For Consideration as the President of Lebanon

Dear Lebanon,

I am writing to you to express my interest in the position of President of the Republic of Lebanon. I have noticed that the position has been vacant for the last five months now, which leads me assume you have yet to find an ideal candidate for the job. I firmly believe that my values, experience and interests match those sought by the great Lebanese nation.

Whilst Lebanon seeks a President who can maintain the unity of the country, it must be said that my own bank account will have absolute priority, followed by my religious confession. Nevertheless, I will do my utmost to maintain the facade of such national unity as it lives in the Arab imagination.

Although not actually of Maronite origin, I have decades of training in sectarian ideologies and fighting, which I believe is essential for any Lebanese politician. My father and grandfather were politicians so I therefore feel I am entitled to a ministerial position purely on that merit. I also have years of experience in irrational name-calling, particularly with regards to rival MPs and other countries. I will take great pleasure in blaming all of our national problems on Syria, March 14, America, Iran or Hizbullah, depending on how I feel that morning. I thus have a good ability to shift my political alliances at any given time to suit the situation. I also place great value on stealing as much money from ordinary citizens as possible, so as to finance my string of luxury homes and my wife and children's hedonistic lifestyles. I have no moral dilemma in embezzling aid, rehabilitation of the South or infrastructural funds.

Furthermore, I drive the same black Mercedes everyday down the same route, so I am open to the possibility of assassination attempts in the future.

Most important of all, I am firmly committed to bringing about absolutely no positive change to Lebanese society during my time in office.

Therefore, I think that with my lack of real policy-making, shocking corruption and general uselessness, I am perfect for the job.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.